The Ginger and I went on a date night last week to see When Harry Met Sally in theaters. It’s one of my all-time favourite films. Nora Ephron’s writing is perfect. Basically every line is a classic. The cast is spot on, including the supporting actors (Bruno Kirby’s baby fishmouth scene is my favorite).

Then there’s the fashion. I’m obsessed with the outfits in every scene. The tweed jackets, the shorts with textured tights, the oversized sweaters (both Sally and Harry’s), even the ridiculous spandex pants that Billy Crystal power walks in. It makes me wish it was Autumn every day. 

When Harry Met Sally by annie-perri-cole featuring topshop shorts

Vintage jacket / Topshop shorts / Sheer stocking, $28 / But Another Innocent Tale wingtip oxford / Chloé leather crossbody purse / Gia / Isotoner glove

THIS MOMENT

Every night the Ginger wakes up for Jack’s feedings. If I’m not working the overnight shift then I wake up to pump at the same time. (I know this seems silly, if I’m pumping why not breastfeed Jack? It’s just not working, and we’ve tried. Rather than stress about it, I’m exclusively pumping and he’s still getting the amazing nutrients from the breast milk.)

I love sitting on the ottoman, watching the Ginger interact with Jack. He’s such a great Dad already. 

I saw this photo somewhere on the internet and had to laugh. I’ve had anxiety issues for a while and after going to a therapist through high school, we decided in college that I would start taking Lexapro. It felt like a weight was lifted when I started, and I felt so much more confident in school. I excelled in my major, made life-long friends, and starting dating my husband at this time. Without that confidence I may have been held back from some of these things. I tried a couple times to stop taking it, but I always returned because I just got too anxious, with some panic attacks and self doubt. It’s amazing what 10mg of that little pill will do to improve things. I’m not a huge fan of pharmaceutical companies and the money making machine that it is, but I tell you what, I live a better life because of Lexapro.

And that’s what really scared me when I got pregnant. As excited as I was about having a baby, a lot of worries come with that too. I managed to stop taking the meds during my entire pregnancy, and was just fine (although I ended up with high blood pressure, which I think has a lot to do with my nerves). But when Jack was born 6 weeks early, I had some issues. I cried every day he was in the NICU. I was worried about him, sad that I wasn’t pregnant anymore and just overwhelmed. I know this is common postpartum behavior, especially for the mom of a preemie, so I gave it two months. Each time I took the Edinburgh Depression quiz, my score got worse. After consulting with my mid-wife, primary care physician and pediatrician we decided that it was safe to take a low dose of Lexapro. The consensus was that my well-being was better for Jack. I am still nursing, but looking at the studies of the safety of Lexapro there is a low chance of side-effects while breastfeeding. 

I’m so happy that I can continue to give Jack breast milk. Before I knew I could take the Lexapro I was worried that I’d have to stop feeding him sooner and move over to formula, which I really hated to do. I just knew that I couldn’t be the best mom possible while putting so much pressure on myself and the Ginger, and ultimately, Jack. I was constantly upset that the house was a mess, noticing stupid things like that the baseboards need painted. I was worrying that Jack wasn’t hitting milestones and that we were doing everything wrong. 

I feel more relaxed now and am spending so much more time just sitting in the nursery holding Jack…and letting the dishes and laundry pile up. I actually ran out of pants the other day and was happy to just wear leggings and continue to hold Jack for the rest of the day. He’s getting so big so fast and I want to enjoy him rather than worry about everything under the sun. 

I found this article very encouraging while researching what to do with breastfeeding and taking an anti-anxiety medication. 

THIS MOMENT

I want to remember these little hands. They already seem so huge compared to those newborn fingers that grasped mine through the holes in the incubator in the NICU.

THIS WEEK I:

Watched: my son smile so many times! 

Listened: to friends laugh around my dining table

Learned: that my cousin is having a baby boy! 

Ate: lobster, bacon-wrapped salmon, and chocolate mousse for my Valentine’s Dinner Date

Read: the menu at Buca Di Beppo with my college friends

Drank: a Kir

Thought: what would happen if we have a zombie apocalypse 

Wished: I was debt-free already

Realized: I can let other people do my dishes, while I just hold the baby. 

Bought: about a month’s worth of food at Costco

THIS MOMENT

I can’t get enough of those little chubby legs. I am counting down the days until summer when Jack can just wear onesies and I can stare at those gams all day! 

GALENTINE'S DAY

I celebrated my first Galentine’s Day this year with some of my very best friends! Steph hosted a great night, complete with crepes and fancy cocktails. Jack was the only boy allowed. He totally has his first crush…on Nicole. He could not stop staring at her! 

I really like the concept of Galentine’s Day, celebrating the love between female friends. I think that relationship is just as important as one with a significant other. I hope this is the first of many February 13th celebrations! 

THIS MOMENT

This is the face of a baby who just slept through the night. That’s right, 8 full hours. And by through the night I mean 11pm-7am. How amazing is that??

Except for the fact that I’m used to pumping every 2-3 hours, so let’s just say I was quite uncomfortable and heavy by the time I woke up! 

Let’s hope this is just the start to something new! 

Breastfeeding

Goal for the week: 

Work on getting Jack to nurse.

I have had trouble getting Jack to latch and breastfeed properly so I’ve given up. I have been exclusively pumping so he’s only been drinking breastmilk which makes me happy, but it’s really time consuming to feed him by bottle and then pump. I am going to make more of an effort to let Jack breastfeed - then give him the option of a bottle in case he didn’t get enough. 

This buzzfeed post inspired me to give it another go. 

Back to the Freeze

With holidays over and real life with a baby settling in, it’s time to get back to my spend freeze. I’m still not making smart choices with my money. I started this freeze in May and still have 4 credit cards to pay off. The end is not yet in sight. 

However, I did pay off my car in October. That felt good. We are a single car family at the moment and I’m trying to hold off on getting a second car for as long as possible. I really like not having a car payment! 

I have to set some rules for myself and actually stick to them. Living debt-free is realistic, but only if I commit myself to it. If I was debt-free right now I could be planning a trip to visit Hope in London. But I let stupid Target trips and cable hold me back from really living my life the way I want to.  

1. Make simple and easy meals that require a smaller grocery budget
2. Avoid focusing on expensive details when throwing parties (like heart patterned straws for an upcoming Valentine’s Day Brunch…but I already bought them so that is a rule moving forward)
3. Focus each day on spending no money
4. Don’t go to Target

Now for my goals. I want to have all my credit cards paid off by June 20, the first official day of summer. I think this is a realistic goal if I really focus. That means by the start of July I will only have three student loan payments (and realistically probably a car payment since it’s been difficult to be a one-car household lately). 

Alright let’s restart day one tomorrow. I’m sticking to it this time! 

Mom Cut

Now at 11 weeks old, Jack is grasping. And wow does he have a grip! I am ready to chop my hair off before he pulls it all out! Here are my favorites. I used to always have my hair short like this in college. I had a lot of confidence in college with my style and maybe this look will inspire me to ditch the sweats. Or not, you know, whatever. I’m a new mom. 

Hopefully I’ll get my hairs cut this week :) 

New Mom

For the weeks leading up to Jack’s birth I was counting down the days till I could go on maternity leave…fast forward to 10 weeks of being stuck in the house because it’s -2 degrees outside with a newborn who won’t let you shower, and I was eager to get back to work.

And at times I felt pretty guilty about feeling excited to start working again. I wondered if there was something wrong with that, because shouldn’t I have felt completely fulfilled at home with Jack? But being a stay-at-home mom isn’t for everyone, certainly not me.

I feel like I’m better when I’m multi-tasking. I want to be the best mom I can be to Jack, but having my focus on him 100% of the time would not be healthy for me - or him. During my maternity leave I was worrying myself sick, constantly looking at little things he was doing and wondering if he was sick or behind developmentally. I was putting pressure on myself and ultimately him. I don’t want to do that to him. I need to take a step away, for 8 hours at work, then go back to giving him all my attention. I need the routine of work.

Having said all that, three days into my overnight shift and I had a panic moment at 2:30am, making me rethink all of that. The Ginger said he’d feed Jack by 12:30am (we’re doing a combination of scheduled feedings and child-led feedings…if Jack doesn’t make an effort to eat by a certain time then we feed him. We try not to go beyond three hours during the day and four hours at night). Well 12:30am comes and passes, then two more hours go by and I still haven’t heard from him. He promised to call or text during all feedings. Well I start to worry…what if he isn’t hearing Jack crying, what if Jack stopped breathing, what if the house is on fire and they’re both dead, on and on and on. Then I call him. Twenty three times. Yes, 23 times. My nerves increased with every ring. My anger rose. Then I wanted to cry. Then he finally answered. He didn’t hear his alarm and Jack didn’t cry. Jack went almost six hours between feedings! I’m glad the Ginger got some extra sleep, especially since doing all the nighttime feedings alone is going to be hard work. But I just felt so helpless. It made me realize that although I’m at work, my focus will always be on Jack. And really I wouldn’t want it any other way. 

I’m glad to be back, but I’m truly a working mom now and I have to get used to that. I want to focus in the coming weeks on how I balance being at work and being at home. A routine will calm me, at least I think and hope so. I just have to realize it’s not the same as it was before November 19th. 

HAPPY FOOTBALL DAY

Happy Super Bowl Sunday! #Superbowl #babycolepgh